she woke up with a sticky ear
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
