You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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