On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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