i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
