so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
