when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sext me about skeletons
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
