I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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