So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
