i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
