Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
