I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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