I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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