You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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