So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
