The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
