Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
