So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
