HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am in a vortex of obligation.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Randomize
