My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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