come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My penis needs a shock collar
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
