Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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