Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
