Umm I'm too high to move.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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