well you can't waste a boner
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
