Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
