I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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