I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
