I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I will die if light touches me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
