All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
