My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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