just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
