Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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