the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
