I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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