I cannot find my penis.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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