you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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