I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
