Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
