i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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