my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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