I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
another moral hangover. fuck.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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