What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
