I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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