Plan B is the new Plan A
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
