In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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