I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
