i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
