Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
