So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
