Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
