My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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